Expensive Annie: My son, “Tim,” is engaged to “Jennifer,” a lady whom he’s been seeing for a few years. They’ve two young children collectively. My downside is that Jennifer is not going to get a job. Tim helps all of them. She used to work, earlier than their first youngster, however has not since.
We have now all hinted to her about getting a job and even discovered jobs for her, however her reply is all the time the identical: “I can’t put my children in day care! No person is aware of them there.” Properly, certain — no one goes to know them if they’re all the time dwelling and don’t meet new children and other people.
Tim and Jennifer plan on getting married within the subsequent couple of years, and I really feel like she’s profiting from him. Her mother was the identical approach when she was rising up. Assist! What can an individual do? He shouldn’t need to work his butt off to assist all of them. — Mama Wants Assist
Expensive Mama: I perceive your protectiveness: He’ll all the time be your little boy. However he’s additionally a grown man, and if he’s sad with the dynamics with Jennifer — which isn’t even clear, based mostly in your letter — then it’s on him to speak to her about it.
Probably the most you are able to do is let him know that you simply’re all the time there if he needs to speak about issues. Supply an empathetic ear. If he asks for it, then supply your perspective. However no matter you do, give up providing your soon-to-be daughter-in-law the classifieds part. As a result of regardless of our greatest (and well-intended) efforts, our family members have this pesky factor known as free will — and we have to settle for that reality if we need to have wholesome relationships with them.
Expensive Annie: I’ve a 45-year-old son who’s my complete life. However he has all the time been out and in of the drug scene. He has two sons of his personal, neither of which is able to converse to him, me or anybody else in our household. This, although he has all the time labored and paid his youngster assist. He does have a mood that’s out of this world.
Nearly 10 years in the past, he began going to church and was even baptized and saved. Now, he’s completed a 180-degree flip — but once more. He doesn’t work, and he’s at the moment residing together with his father and me. I attempt to discuss with him, however I can’t appear to hold on a dialog with him with out him getting mad. But, he doesn’t seem like on medication or consuming.
We actually don’t know what to do at this level. We’ve all the time nonetheless invited him to church with us each time we go, however he by no means needs to go together with us. Any ideas for me? — Nervous About My Son
Expensive Nervous: Residing for many years with the illness of dependancy can warp one’s perspective — and I’m not simply referring to your son. You, too, have been residing with the illness, and it’s equally vital that you simply search restoration. There are lots of assets out there, together with remedy; books corresponding to Melody Beattie’s “Codependent No Extra”; and applications corresponding to Nar-Anon (www.nar-anon.org/virtual-meetings), Al-Anon (www.al-anon.org), or LifeRing Restoration (www.lifering.org).
Whereas it’s nonetheless troublesome to satisfy up in individual for many people, Nar-Anon and LifeRing are holding on-line conferences by way of video conferencing, and Al-Anon hosts phone conferences along with on-line conferences.
“Ask Me Something: A 12 months of Recommendation From Expensive Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut e book — that includes favourite columns on love, friendship, household and etiquette — is offered as a paperback and e-book. Go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com for extra data. Ship your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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